New kind of post because I admire those who can make me laugh in 140 characters or less.
I'm like five feet tall so I like to add a menacing "or else…" when I ask someone to do something so they know I mean business.
— one ordinary girl (@audri_em) January 19, 2016
I'm always surprised when I'm blocked by someone who's never seen me naked
— Ted bundy bitch (@TedBundybitch) January 10, 2016
when i use a paper shredder i always make sure to stare outside at all the trees just so they don't forget who's running this show
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 24, 2015
A little girl asked her brother
"what is love?"
He said "love is when you steal my chocolate everyday
And I still keep it in the same place"
— Jules (@Julescoop) June 9, 2014
Weird how mental illness hardly shoots anyone in Canada.
— AmishPornStar (@AmishPornStar1) January 6, 2016
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, "Maybe their father is my cousin."
— Yep,they're both me. (@3sunzzz) January 26, 2016
I'm just a girl standing in front of a guy, cuz I'm first in line and he's second.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) June 27, 2015
If you commented lol on something I wrote and I found out you didn't actually laugh I'm calling the FBI on you
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) January 27, 2016
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it's brownies.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) January 23, 2016
I forgot my sunglasses today so I had to deal with the sun in my eyes like some kind of pioneer.
— Yep,they're both me. (@3sunzzz) January 29, 2016
I'm not worried about dying alone I'm worried about living with someone
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 7, 2015